Peaceful Darkness
by Tegthe
Summary: Shuusei's final thoughts when he faced death by Ashley's hands. First fanfic so be nice.


Hello, this is my first fanfic ever so if it's bad you know why. I wrote this to see if I had any talent at all for writing a story.

Please R&R, be kind and constructive criticism appreciated, no mean ones.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Uraboku, Odagiri Hotaru does!

Peaceful darkness

"Sleep, a deep, deeeep sleep, be at peace."

Ashley's voice was really soothing and Shuusei felt himself slowly falling into the peaceful darkness. Here he'd be at peace and knowing that he was Hotsuma's replacement made it easier to accept it since dying for Hotsuma was his greatest wish.

The only problem with dying would be that he would leave Hotsuma alone in that world full of pain, on the other hand so was he the cause of that pain through his selfish action of staying with Hotsuma. Yuki was also there to help and heal Hotsuma.

He wondered briefly if you didn't get any recaps of his life like they always describe you get when you die, and just as he thought that a memory invaded his mind.

_A bench in a park. It was your typical bench in your typical park where there were trees, bushes, flowers and grass. There were also a lot of swings, slides and sandboxes, making it a popular place where parents take their children so it was never empty._

_It was there Shuusei would go to be alone. Not having to hear his parent's arguments about what a big mistake it was to get him. Always complaining how he useless was and just a burden in their life._

_It was there he could dream himself away from the reality and pretend he also had parents who cared and would go play with him instead of just ignoring him. _

_He was always alone on that bench, not a single person cared to ask why he just sat there all alone. That was okay with him though since he didn't want anyone's pity and why would they care about him when not even his parents did. _

_It was a very odd place to go when wanting to be alone but it was easier to be where other people hung out than actually be alone as it was scarier to be utterly alone and reality would come crashing down faster if he was alone. _

_This day though was very different from the other days, for the first time somebody actually approached him. _

"_Hey! Why are you always sitting there alone?" A boy called out to him with a voice clear as bells. He sounded a bit worried and Shuusei thought it must be someone important to that boy, he could feel jealousy grow a bit in him since nobody had ever been worried about him._

_The boy who had called out was blond with wild hair, tanned skin and golden eyes. He was a bit shorter than Shusei so he guessed the boy was younger than him._

_Because of the tone the boy used so took it a while before Shuusei understood that he was talking to him and even though he had never met this boy before so could he tell that this boy was someone he could trust._

"_I'm sitting here because I don't want to be a burden to my parents." Shuusei answered him quietly, not wanting to tell the entire reason even though he felt he could entrust everything to him._

"_Oh, so you also have problems with your parents. Well I have some problems as well so I won't ask anymore but know that we are the same so you don't have to be alone anymore. We'll be friends from now on." The blond boy said casually but changed into a cheery voice after a few seconds._

_Shuusei just stared at the boy who had just claimed they were friends out of nowhere without even knowing his name. "Okay" Shuusei said hesitantly, "But you shouldn't ask people to be friends with you without even knowing their name" he reprimanded the boy. _

"_Hm? Well, then I'll ask now, my name's Hotsuma, what's yours?" the boy now identified as Hotsuma asked who was jumping with excitement as he had found a new friend._

"_Mine's Shuusei" he answered with a smile._

_Hotsuma smiled in return and Shuusei thought that had to be the brightest and warmest smile, like the sun, he's ever seen, and he felt blinded by the light and the warmth spread through his body. "Come and play with me" Hotsuma said happily and dragged Shuusei with him._

_They played the entire day and Shuusei finally felt he had a place where he could belong without having to worry about making anyone feel bad because of him._

_That night was the first time he dreamt about a past life and when he woke up, he felt terrible having to live through another life of endless fights. At the same time he felt ecstatic to be able to know he would spend another life time with Hotsuma, his beloved and soul mate, who also happened to be the same boy he met yesterday. Just the fact that they met and got a connection before they even knew who the other was made him feel that this would be one of the better lives they been through and that they really are soul mates._

Yes, those were the good times, no fights, no worries and certainly no pain in their life, only happiness. What wouldn't Shuusei do to go back to those times, but he knew it was impossible in this life.

He felt himself fading a bit more into the darkness, at the same time thoughts about possible future lives came. If he would be able to live through this life then they could start anew in the next life and not make the same mistakes they did this time. Learn from their mistakes and make a life that would be without the thoughts of pain and guilt.

He should try to live for that possibility and started to struggle against the comforting darkness but another memory took over his mind.

_It was one evening; Shuusei was playing the piano with Hotsuma standing beside him only listening to Shuusei play._

"_Shuusei, you sure are amazing." Hotsuma suddenly said._

_Taken aback by that statement Shuusei hesitated before asking "Why?"_

"'_Cos you can do anything and you're smart. The fact that you're my friend and gave been for ages makes me really proud." Hotsuma answered proudly. _

_Shuusei could just stare at Hotsuma while doubting the words since no one had ever said that to him before._

_At the same time Hotsuma walked over to the curtains and opened them._

"_Hotsuma, why are you opening the curtains? It's already dark outside." Shuusei asked confusedly._

"_Huh? 'Cos it's dark out obviously!" Hotsuma exclaimed. "I mean, the stars are soooooo pretty! Isn't it weirder to keep 'em closed?" Hotsuma continued enthusiastically with a bright smile and cheeks colored a rosy red from his excitement. _

_Shuusei could only look awestruck at the light that was radiating from Hotsuma and only thought 'I think the one who's really amazing is you.'_

Shuusei felt himself getting a hold of his thoughts in the darkness and started thinking about the new flashback instead of struggling against the darkness.

Hotsuma's thoughts were sometimes a mystery to Shuusei; he always felt lucky to be friends with Shuusei and always thought he was something worth bragging about. Shuusei knew the truth though; he had nothing that really meant something and no talents that were extraordinary. Hadn't his parents seen this early on? Hotsuma were the only one who had ever thought Shuusei being an amazing person.

Yes, Shuusei wasn't something to brag about, Hotsuma on the other hand was different. He had his open gaze, charisma that sparkles like a precious jewel, his love for the world, a mind that would never give up and a smile as bright and warm like the sun where everything paled in comparison.

Now that he thought about it so haven't Shuusei seen that smile in a long time, sure Hotsuma had smiled but it was never one of those smile where everything was alright and all worries disappeared. He missed it so bad but he knew he would never see it since the reason it disappeared in the first place was because of him.

The darkness took over a bit more and one more memory entered his mind.

_Shuusei felt fear filling his body when he saw Hotsuma being surrounded with flames. Without thinking, just acting upon the fear, he rushed to Hotsuma and hugged him from behind without flinching from the hot flames._

"_You idiot…! Let go of me! You're gonna burn up too…!" Hotsuma screamed with surprise and of fear for Shuusei._

"_No! I will not let go! Did you forget! If you do this, we'll never be able to meet again…! Not even in our next lives! So if you want to erase yourself in spite of that then take me with you…! Don't leave me here in a world without you!" Shuusei screamed in response with fear and desperation burning in his voice._

_Shuusei could feel the flames burning on his body but he just couldn't let go, no matter how much it hurt since this was about Hotsuma, his most important person._

_Only seconds later he could feel the flames slowly disappearing and he understood that Hotsuma had chosen life instead and that made him relax a bit. He could feel his consciousness fading away when he was certain Hotsuma would be there when he woke up._

_Shuusei slowly regained his consciousness and first he noticed the cold weight he had on his warm and hurting shoulders, but that became unimportant when he felt something hot holding onto his hand. He tried to open his eyes and he succeeded after a few minutes, the first thing that came into his vision was a blond head that was instantly raised when he started to move his hand._

_When Shuusei saw those eyes he knew something was changing between him and Hotsuma because those golden orbs he loved was filled to the brim with guilt and pain instead of the usual smile and warmth. The words Hotsuma utter after that only increased that feeling._

"_I'm so sorry! I was only thinking of myself and that resulted in those horrible burns on you. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life to make up for them." Hotsuma said with such guilt and sadness that Shuusei was near tears. He collected himself and tried to mend the rift that was opened but he knew it was futile._

"_Hotsuma, I don't regret getting these scars, they saved me from having to live without you. I'm just glad you're okay." Shuusei tried to say without letting the pain be heard in his voice._

"_I can't believe I tried to leave you alone, I'll never do such a thing again Shuusei. I swear!" Hotsuma continued like he hadn't heard what Shuusei said._

"_Just promise me this Hotsuma; please don't dwell on these scars." Shuusei responded trying really hard to rid the bad thoughts from Hotsuma._

"_I promise" Hotsuma answered hesitantly trying to sound confident, but Shuusei saw through his act and knew this day was going to haunt him for the rest of his life._

And right he was. Those scars were the biggest reason to Hotsuma's pain and to the rift that now existed between them.

He had remembered and thought about it a thousand times if there hadn't been a different way to do things that day. But no, he hadn't been able to see another way. Perhaps he should have just let Hotsuma go, and he would kill himself afterwards, and then Hotsuma wouldn't be in pain and not living a life he didn't want.

He was foolish back then, thinking he was enough to help Hotsuma through his rough times, but he never was and never will be. He'll only be a burden Hotsuma because of those stupid scars that hurt him more. Hotsuma never noticed what effect those scars made on him, and he continued to think he needed Shuusei when Shuusei in fact was doing more damage on Hotsuma in the long run than actually helping him, like drugs, never realizing the damage and only seeing the happy illusions.

'Ah so exhausted, can't I just rest peacefully without these memories.' The darkness slowly continued invading Shuusei's mind but decided to not listen to Shuusei's request.

"_Dammit! Why does Yuki have to come back now? We were doing alright without him, right Shuusei?" Hotsuma said pacing around in their room with an irritated air around him._

"_Whatever you say Hotsuma." Shuusei calmly answered from his place on the couch. If you looked at him you would think there isn't any problem at all, but underneath his face chaos and pain roamed free._

"_Urgh, I really don't want to see him, he makes me so annoyed. Why couldn't he just stay wherever he was?" Hotsuma continued, still very annoyed._

"_There's nothing we can do about it Hotsuma." Shuusei said casually. "It's Takashiro-sama's decision and he won't bend after our wishes, so stop pacing around like that, you're making me nervous." He continued. _

"_Perhaps, but I'm still irritated." Hotsuma shot back angrily._

"_Well I'll be going to bed now Hotsuma and you should do the same. Good night." Shuusei said while getting up from the couch and walked over to his bedchamber._

"_Night." Shuusei heard from Hotsuma before he closed the door behind him._

_As soon Shuusei was sure Hotsuma wouldn't come in he felt himself crashing to the ground and he felt his face twist in pain._

_He wanted to scream, to get the pain out of him in some way but he knew he couldn't do that since Hotsuma would come. In the state he was in now was it impossible to pretend that everything was okay and Hotsuma wouldn't leave before he knew everything that was wrong with Shuusei. He wasn't ready for that kind of confrontation._

_When Shuusei had heard about Yuki coming back he'd been able to see future much clearer than he'd done before with his Eyes of God._

_Yuki would come and notice Hotsuma's pain since it's so obvious. Yuki would help Hotsuma and save him from the darkness where Shuusei held him and bring light into his life instead of the flickering light that is the most Shuusei can offer to Hotsuma. The flickering light that was just barely sufficient to keep Hotsuma going but wouldn't be enough in the long run._

_He was going to become unneeded and there was nothing he could do to change that, he knew his limits after all. And when that happens he will lose his only reason to live, Hotsuma._

_Well with a little luck so won't it happen in at least a few months, he could hold on until then and after that he would be able to disappear._

What an optimist he'd been before, a few months for it to happen, a few weeks were as much Yuki had needed to heal Hotsuma. He wasn't called God's light for nothing.

He was pretty surprised back then that Hotsuma couldn't see even a bit of the pain in his face when they got the announcement. His mask was really perfect, so much it's actually quite scary. He wondered when perfected it but couldn't remember since he'd had it in what felt like an eternity.

He'd never been much of a person who shows his real feelings which was why he even started wearing that mask. It was much easier than having his bare and broken soul on display and he wasn't ready to show it to anyone, especially Hotsuma due to his fear that Hotsuma would be scared and leave him.

Not wanting to think about his fear, Shuusei felt himself rather than being passive in his falling into the darkness so was he starting to push himself into it. But instead of feeling the darkness taking over so could he feel yet another memory take over his consciousness.

"_STOOOP!" Hotsuma yelled desperately to stop the flames from hurting Yuki._

_At the same time Shuusei and Luka stood behind the trees and watching everything that happened in the meadow. _

_While watching Hotsuma and Yuki so realized Shuusei that the day when Hotsuma wouldn't need him and leave came sooner than he first thought. He'd actually hoped that Luka would have to step in since he could have gotten a bit more time with Hotsuma then, but as usual it never goes the way Shuusei wants it to._

"_I was sure you would have to step in to stop it. He really is so kind. It looks like Yuki's power to 'heal' is the real thing, maybe because his very being is so pure. Or rather, maybe it's because his heart is wholly in it." Shuusei mused aloud to see if he could get any reaction from Luka who'd just watched everything without batting an eye, but like usual so just stood he there listening._

'_Not to mention, the one who can truly quench the thirst of the Zweilt is none other than our master Yuki. The 'blood' will continue endlessly to seek out Yuki, thus was it devised.' Shuusei continued his musings but decided not to voice it aloud._

'_At any rate it's a feat that I could never manage.' He thought bitterly._

"_Did he get you that way too?" He asked, wanting to distract his thoughts._

"_You know, your life force is weak." Luka responded after a few seconds._

_Luka's always like that, dodging the questions with things he's noticed with his ability to see through people's protective walls. _

"_About Hotsuma, you can rest easy now because he'll put his body and soul into protecting Yuki. That's just the way he is." Shuusei said instead of answering Luka, not wanting to reveal any of his thoughts._

_Shuusei started to walk away from the meadow._

'_And I'll have served out my purpose now' Shuusei thought to himself while feeling silent tears stream down from his eyes._

Yes, his purpose for life was gone; he only lived to be needed by Hotsuma after all. Without Hotsuma life lacked meaning and he would have withered away if it wasn't for Hotsuma. So he made Hotsuma dependent on him out of his own selfishness, so he could keep him right beside him even though it hurt Hotsuma.

He'd always known that hurt Hotsuma and that letting him go would be the most humane for him. But letting Hotsuma go, he wasn't ready for that… simply not ready, just the mere thought made his body grow colder than it already was and breathing became much harder. There was no way he could let go and live, and Hotsuma had still needed him back then so dying hadn't been an option, he could only prepare to be ready to let go when the time came.

Now, on the other hand was different, Yuki had come and healed Hotsuma, making Shuusei excessive and only bringing pain without anything to make up for it. Now Hotsuma wasn't alone so he could die giving Hotsuma up, it would be much less painful for Hotsuma than having him beside Hotsuma all the time reminding him of his mistakes.

'I'm so sorry Hotsuma, for making you dependent on me, for being so selfish with you, for not being able to let go and for putting you through all that pain.' Shuusei apologized.

'Be free Hotsuma. Live the reminder of your life happy and don't look back at this dark period of your life. Live brightly like the sun you are without being restrained by darkness, it doesn't suit you.' Shuusei wished for Hotsuma with his last power before the peaceful darkness took complete control of his mind.

'_I'm sorry, Hotsuma'_

The end

Again please review, I want to know if it turned out good.


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